All I wanted to do was respond to Martin's articles in "Today your hair is very nice"
It's not that easy...oooh nooo!... You have to BECOME a blogger to correspond with one.
WHATEVER,...so here I am posting my own impressions about which (probably) neither you nor I care:
THE SHORT LIST of STUFF ABOUT WHICH I REALLY DON'T CARE
(alphabetically listed in case you want to get right to the meat of this tripe!)
Abercrombie & Fitch
Britney & her kid (OK, I care a little about the kid)
Crash Dummies (takes care of C & D)
Ecomonies of scale
Frangelico (makes me sick when I drink too much of it, as I usually do)
Grange stories (far too many of them for my taste)
Hell and all its inhabitants
Internet savants
Jello
Kierkegaard's Treatise on Pornography
Levelor verticle blinds
Mosh pits (I'm way too old for this shit)
Neurasthenia in most of its manifestations (Chronically afflicted after long weekends of abuse)
Oligarchies
Posthumous Fame
Quinoa (Marilyn makes me eat it)
Rustoleum
Saber Rattling
Tousled Hair
Uvular Issues
Vespers (unless performed by a virtuoso bell ringer)
Will-o'-the-wisps (particularly the more wispy)
Xenocrates (Platonic poser)
Young Republicans
Zeppelins (non-led)
5 comments:
WTFITS!
To think that what began as a bothersome formality has revealed itself as a true calling. Your bloggin' muse is in full force. May friends and family join hands with the blogosphere and resoundlingly strangle with praise your (assumed) intentions to abandon this glorious tablet as a tomb of potential! The tavern must live on! (If for no other reason than my position as web editor depends on it).
Here's some of the things I don't care about anymore and the reasons why. They are in reverse alphabetical order so you can get to the end quickly.
Zoroastrianism (An obscure obsession involving the anus of an early California folk hero)
Yonkers (If that's the best name they can come up with, they should be kicked off the map)
X-rays (Duh! You can see right through them)
Warts (A pretentious skin disease that travels in packs urging acceptance, as in "warts and all")
Vertigo (I get dizzy just typing it)
Uranus (Aside from being the butt of a childish joke, it's no Pluto)
Tornados (Storms with hurricane envy that hide their inadequacy by picking on trailer parks)
Sanskrit (How do we know those squiggles actually mean anything?)
Ratatouille (They don't want you to know, but it's just vegetables)
Quicksand (Don't believe it - it's a slow death)
Port-o-potties (Stink-o-rama is more like it)
Otters (They're just rats that swim well and have very effective P.R. people)
Nom de plumes (Leave it to the Frenchies to make something phony sound exotic)
Marmalade (A fancy name for jam they forgot to remove the skins from)
Lemmings (They have no initiative and make your mouth pucker when you bite into them)
Kindergarten (Nazi invention to indoctrinate youth to blind obedience by tricking them with crayons and tasty paste)
Jacking-off (A crude spilling of ejaculate without procreative intent; masturbation is much classier)
Insomnia (Don't lose any sleep over this one)
Hypochondriacs (Garnering medical attention by pretending to be sick - how sick is that?)
George Bush (George Washington had wooden teeth, but this George has a wooden brain - with termites, and it's balsa wood to boot!)
Fabric softener (It builds up in your shorts as you get older ... and you know the rest)
Eskimos (Perpetrators of the global warming myth in order to secure government subsidies to replace alleged melting condos)
Dirigibles (A Zeppelin by any other name is still a gas bag)
Cowboys (Ever since Brokeback Mountain, I can't look at John Wayne like I used to)
Burger King (Not the most charismatic of monarchs but more animated than Queen Elizabeth)
Anteaters (Like cops, they're never around when you need one - like near my trashcan the day before garbage day)
Finally, I don't care what you think about me.
Hey J.P.
Back again later-24 is on, but can't figure why you'd pick on Yonkers when Hicksville is such a more inviting target.
At least Yonkers had a Broadway musical!
Here are some things I don't care about.
(Pat's words, Molly's typing)
Anti-buse (It doesn't work if you are Irish)
Bethune-(Is this really a college and
Cookman if so has it ever made the "Big Dance")
DDT (smells terrible. Ask any mosquito)
Elvira (Never was big on Halloween)
Fuschia (Is that really a color)
Godzilla (No academy awards)
Hummers (No explanations needed)
Iguanas (Ugly)
Jumping Jehosophat (Do exclamations count)
Kilns (Is the n silent or not)
Leprechauns (Barry Fitzgerald was not aleprechaun)
Mea culpa mea culpa, mea maxima culpa (It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my most grievous fault)
Nano-seconds (Who do you know who owns a nano clock)
O. Henry (Boring books)
Psoriasis (What's with the P)
Q-tips (Bad for the drums)
Restless Leg Syndrom (You've got to be kidding me)
Santa Claus (Never got what I wanted)
Tom's Tavern (Just what I need, another addiction)
Urine Sample ("They found some urine in my alcohol" W.C. Fields)
Virgil (Never read him)
Waylon Jennings (Don't like cowboy music)
Xerxes (Auntie Eileen didn't believe in Persians)
Yerba Buena (I am not bilingual)
Zen (See the letter A)
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